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"Oh, how I realized how I wanted time
Put into perspective, tried so hard to find
Just for one moment thought I'd found my way
Destiny unfolded, I watched it slip away"

"Now that I've realized how it's all gone wrong
Gotta find some therapy, this treatment takes too long
Deep in the heart of where sympathy held sway
Gotta find my destiny before it gets too late"

Luckily, I was able to find my destiny... er, is that was this is?... before it got too late. Ian Curtis was not as fortunate; he hung himself on May 18, 1980. That's a date that I know from memory; Ian's suicide was a signalpost of my youth. I knew somewhere in the back of my mind that it was probably not a good idea to worship a suicide, but I couldn't help myself. My doomed romanticism was at its most sharply tuned during those dark days in the 1980's and I spent my days cloistered in my room listening to Joy Division, reading Sylvia Plath and Anne Sexton, and writing my own gloomy (and piss-poor) poetry. It wasn't much of a life, but it was a living...

I've weathered a lot of rugged emotional terrain since those teenage years, and although the specific schoolyard scenarios that tormented me back in those days are now a distant memory, the painful emotions that accompanied them still ring true. However, one thing has definitely changed in my medicated mind: I'm not particularly impressed by suicide any longer. I am far more likely to feel sympathy for the loved ones left behind and forever scarred by the suicide than I am for the desperate individual who committed the act. I look back on my own nearly-successful suicide attempt with more embarrassment than pride these days, and I'm not nearly as likely to show off my abundant scars as I used to be 10 years ago. Is this what they call "maturity" ... or am I just a boring old Comtesse? Who can say?

So, it is with this changed perspective that I read "Touching From A Distance: Ian Curtis and Joy Division" by Ian Curtis' widow Deborah. I'm not sure what I was expecting from this book, but I thought I would get some understanding of how Curtis' family and friends could just stand by and seemingly do nothing while his obvious suicidal tendencies went fatally unchecked. The book doesn't really answer that question - except to reinforce just how isolated Curtis had become in his final days, and how estranged he was from his family. If you believe Deborah's account, Ian was almost zombie-like during his last few months, as the strain of his personal problems (a broken marriage, a doomed love affair, and increasingly uncontrollable epilepsy) became unbearable. After reading this book, I understand why Curtis killed himself, and in some ways, I can't say that I blame him.

The book also presents Curtis as a very unlikeable personality. He is cold, controlling, uncaring, and indifferent towards his wife. I have to take that presentation with a grain of salt, since a lot of it smacks of 'Embittered Ex' syndrome. Deborah doesn't seem to have the slightest understanding of her husband, and doesn't offer any explanation of his motivations or his artistry. They don't communicate, don't seem to have anything in common, and they don't really seem to like each other either. It's a pretty depressing read, but not for obvious reasons.

There is one additional thing that I cannot forgive Deborah Curtis for - and that's refusing to publish Ian's suicide note in the book. She makes reference to it as being "deeply personal" - and I suppose this is her excuse for not printing it. But she sure had no problem in exploiting her personal life with Ian when writing this book! Yes, I know I'm being voyeuristic, but I can't help myself - I want to read the note! I want to know what his last thoughts were as he approached his "last fatal hour". Instead I'm left with continued frustration.

My next read on this subject will be Mick Middles' book "Torn Apart" which presents the perspective of Curtis' girlfriend Annik Honoré. It's supposed to be much more enlightening than anything his wife could offer. I certainly hope so!

And there's always Anton Corbijn's movie "Control" to look forward to... It looks excellent!
http://members.aol.com/lwtua/these.htm

NN - "We Were Strangers"... Indeed.

--Being unprepared for a final exam
--Going for a midnight snack and finding a refrigerator teeming with rats
--Giving birth to a baby that's anything but normal
--Being chased by a menace that seems to be everywhere at once
--Free falling with no hope of a safe landing

"The Pop-Up Book of Nightmares is the perfect gift for anyone who wants to mine the psychological riches of their deepest slumber. "